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User #597194: F1g_N3wton

From F1g_N3wton


Reasons why you don't mess with Chuck Norris

1) When he pees, he needs a plunger
2) He has been known to beat a brick wall in tennis
3) He could make Shaq make his free-throws
4) He knows the value of pi
5) The last time he shaved outdoors, the clippings were blown away with the wind. You know this event as the black plague.
6) He can impregnate any woman he wants with a wink of his left eye. And any man with a wink of his right eye.
7) He is his own father. He traveled back in time and conceived himself, because no mere mortal could possibly spawn Chuck.
8) He invented the internet so people could talk about how great Chuck Norris is.
9) Under his beard, there is no chin. Only another fist.
10)You can find the list of things who oppose Chuck Norris on the extinct species list.
11)On the sixth day, God took a breather so Chuck could take over from there.
12)he knows the meaning to life. He will not tell. It is not 42.
13)Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks are assumably better than heroin. Which is a shame, because no one lives to feel the high.
14)His tears cure cancer. It's a shame he doesn't cry.
15)He doesn't use pick-up lines. All he says is "Now."
16)Every piece of furniture in his house is a Total Gym.
17)These are not "Chuck Norris Jokes." They are facts. The last person to call them "jokes" was a Tito Hernandez.The next time scientists found him, they called him "Hailey's Comet".
18)Once, a certain James DuPont called the Total Gym "mediocre." He doesn't speak any more.
19)He used to work for the Make a Wish Foundation. We all know where this one is going.
20)When he cuts in line, the line bleeds.
21)He gave a roundhouse kick to Stephen Hawking and the man could walk. Then he got another roundhouse kick for walking on Chuck's ground. This time, the wheelchair's permanent.
22)After getting cut off at a four-way stop, He caught up to Joseph Walker. Based on his poor driving and poorer choice to take Chuck's namesake, He got a roundhouse kick to the face. It was so powerful and stealthy that Joe's face moved to his ass. And he didn't know for three days.
23)He has two left feet. He can still dance. But he always prefers to kick with his left foot.
24)Chuck Norris is the only person able to kick people in the back of the face.
25)Every dinosaur skull found has had a size 5 bootprint in the side of it. Scientists are baffled. We know damn well why.
26)Chuck Norris once ate five 40 oz. streaks in under an hour. He spent the first forty minutes in the back room with the waitresses.
27)Chuck Norris can stop time for up to three hours by thinking about pineapples.
28)Chuck Norris has compared apples and oranges. He has the Venn Diagram framed on his wall.
29)All of Chuck Norris's eight houses are, in fact, round.
30)Chuck Norris owns a very successful chain of funeral homes. The reason why is debatable.
31)Chuck Norris rescued eight babies from the top floor of a building after Hurricane Katrina. he had no boat. He has not returned the babies.
32)Chuck Norris now holds the Hotdog Eating Championship after downing 42 1/2 Asian babies between hotdog buns in under five minutes.
33)Chuck Norris once won a staring contest with the mirror above his bed.
34)Chuck Norris's beard is pure, unadulterated titanium steel.
35)When someone pantsed Chuck Norris in second grade, he accidentally poked out the eye of his teacher, who was across to room.
36)Chuck Norris's beard hit .37 in the minors before hurting it's knee.
37)Chuck Norris's chest hair is used an an aphrodisiac in many small Asian countries.
38)Even though there were 20 cribs in the Hospital nursery, only baby Chuck was in the room. When a reporter asked him about it, he replied, "I was hungry," then roundhouse kicked the reporter so hard he turned into Rosie O'Donnell.
39)Chuck Norris hates The Beatles. Two down, two to go.
40)Chuck Norris is kind enough to allow us to live, by using Earth as a treadmill every once in a while.
41)Chuck Norris has been known to do 500 push-ups. With both hands tied between his back.
42)Every time Chuck Norris bites into an onion, the Dali Lama cries.
43)Chuck Norris has won an Oscar for Walker, Texas Ranger at least once every year since it's pilot. Chuck Norris likes reruns. He is never given the statue. Giving Chuck Norris a blunt metal object and naming a list of people you think might be as good as him is a fate worse than death.
44)Ghosts occur because Chuck Norris's roundhouse kicks killed the lucky victim faster than death can actually process.
45)Chuck Norris shotgunned a keg.
46)Chuck Norris's cocktails are made with three shots-worth of vodka, a baby's blood, rattle snake venom, and a bottle of Vicodin. He is sober within minutes.
47)Chuck Norris, in a drunk rampage, gave Mr. T that haircut. Mr. T said he didn't like it, and in retaliation, Chuck invented racism. Way to go, Mr. T.
48)A mute will often scream just before a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
49)Chuck Norris does not find it funny that people think Vin Diesel is kickass. As punishment, Vin Diesel will never again be part of any movie rated 2% or better on RottenTomatoes.com
50)Chuck Norris once said "Eat your heart out." The following day, the number of deaths by self-mutilation rose 5000%.
51)Chuck Norris will be accepting the Autobot Matrix of Leadership at which time he will become known at Chucktimus Prime.
52)Chuck Norris rewrote the bible to contain all the benefits of owning a Total Gym. The pope applauds.
53)Chuck Norris has no age. In order to age, you must be born. Chuck Norris simply is.
54)Chuck Norris's blood type is KA+. It is only compatible with tanks and certain aircraft.
55)Chuck Norris was furious at God for taking a whole week to create earth,claiming that he could do it in four days. Upon reaching Heaven, he remembered that he was God, and so, had no one to belittle and got a great, hearty, lumberjack-sized laugh out of it.
56)If Chuck Norris could be any tree, he would be titanium.
57)You have a better chance of surviving death than you do surviving bumping into Chuck Norris on the sidewalk.
58)Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
59)Chuck Norris showers in Pabst Blue Ribbon and mongoose blood.
60)Chuck Norris knows where Jimmy Hoffa is. Jimmy got a roundhouse kick so well-placed, he shattered the space-time continuum. He'll reappear in 2045, smashing into the windshield of a flying car.
61)The "Rambo" movie series is actually based on Chuck Norris's first field trip, in second grade.
62)If you look closely, you can spot Chuck Norris in nearly every scene of "Men in Black".
63)Chuck Norris constructed his own iPod by staring intensely at 10,000 country-western bands until they fearfully compacted themselves into a 2x4x1/2 inch white rectangle.
64)Chuck Norris created religion. This was so he could start bloody massacres whenever he got bored his own bloody massacres.
65)The sole reason Remington created it's 12-gauge semi-auto combat shotgun was so Chuck Norris could finally scratch those itches he gets on his back that he can never quite reach.
66)If Chuck Norris were Jewish, the Israelites would have been out of the desert in three seconds flat. And the Holocaust would have ended in about how long it takes to roundhouse kick a guy named "Hitler." Too bad Chuck Norris dislikes Jews, and their "money-hungry heathen ways."
67)Chuck Norris is usually seen wearing his custom sandals, created by tying bear traps to harpoons using barbed wire.
68)Chuck Norris once won pole position in the Indy 500 racing barefoot over broken glass. He refused to race when he found out that the other racers were using "pussy cars."
69)It is written that one day Chuck Norris will team up with Mr. T and Hulk Hogan. They will patrol the land roundhouse kicking, leg dropping, and pitying every fool in sight. This is known as the apocalypse by most holy texts.
70)Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
71)Chuck Norris can burn a house down. Under water.
72)Sharks move two steps down the food chain when Chuck Norris takes a swim. It goes Chuck Norris, then there's an empty space and then sharks. Chuck Norris doesn't like the smell of fish next to him in the food chain.
73)Chuck Norris cannot legally put his hands in his pockets in Tennessee. But he's renewing his concealed weapon permit next week.
74)Chuck Norris didn't like the end of Superman IV, so broke Christopher Reeves' neck.
75)Chuck Norris created a circle with corners. Most Geometry books don't include the image because looking at it causes head explosion in children and adults of ages 8 and up.
76)Everyone has a skeleton in their closet. Chuck Norris has 7,483, as of 1973.
77)Chuck Norris thinks that stopping at red lights is an act only a "sissy communist" would do. If someone drives over your car, then roundhouse kicks your crushed and mangled body, you know who was behind you.
78)Chuck Norris' beard has a representative in Congress.
79)Chuck Norris didn't like Pluto. The scientists made a deal that most of them might live, if they kicked Pluto out.
80)Ben and Jerry's was recently forced to pull their new flavor, "Chuck Norris' Roundhouse Swirl", from shelves following a slew of complaints from parents. The ice cream was blood red, and contained pieces of small children and rusty nails.
81)A chemical analysis of Chuck Norris revealed that he is 65% liquid titanium, 15% full cream milk, 10% gasoline, 8% Batman and 12% Cool Ranch Doritos. Chuck Norris doesn't get why people stop at 100%.
82)If you anagram the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.
83)Chuck Norris once played Jenga. The result was the Empire State Building.
84)Defying the most prominent scientists of the time, Chuck Norris proposed that the universe, does in fact, revolve around him. To throw off any doubt, he now resides in the center of the sun.
85)Chuck Norris believes that it's not butter.
86)Chuck Norris was Pulp Fiction's secret briefcase item.
87)Chuck Norris has never heard "you can't squeeze sweat from a rock." Because he has.
88)If Chuck Norris is late, time best damn well slow down.
89)There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
90)They once tried to carve Chuck Norris' face into Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn't hard enough for his beard.
91)Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
92)If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
93)Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
94)Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
95)Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
96)Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
97)Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
98)Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
99)Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
100)Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
101)Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting. "Hunting" implies the chance of failing. Chuck goes Killing.
102)Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
103)Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72. And they're all poisonous.
104)When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
105)Chuck Norris wins a game of Connect Four in six moves or less every time.
106)Chuck Norris should attain statehood in late 2010, assuming he allows Congress to live. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
107)If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
108)The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade. It was a true-to-life as the director could get.
109)Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger by yelling "Bang!"
110)Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
111)Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
112)Jesus turns water into wine. Chuck Norris turns anything, at all, into Pabst Blue Ribbon.
113)In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
114)When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
115)Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
116)When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Jack In The Box. Jack's smart enough to give out breakfast all day.
117)When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
118)Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen San Diego.
119)When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
120)Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green 4 card from the game UNO.
121)Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
122)Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
123)The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
124)It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
125)There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
126)Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
127)James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
128)Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
129)Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
130)Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
131)Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bed frames, and sidewalks.
132)Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a field goal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
133)Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
134)Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
135)If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
136)The Sherman tank was originally called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. Hasn't happened yet.
137)Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
138)There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
139)Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
140)Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
141)Icy-Hot is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot magma.
142)When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
143)According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
144)Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
145)In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
146)Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
147)Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
148)If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
149)Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
150)There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
151)Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
152)Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
153)Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
154)Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
155)Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
156)Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
157)Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn bamn falls down.
158)Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
159)Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
160)Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
161)Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
162)Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
163)Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".
164)Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
165)Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
166)Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindness, and possibly foot sized bruises on the face.
167)Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
168)Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes flat.
169)With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
170)There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
171)Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
172)Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
173)What happened to Helen Keller? Never stare into the Chuck Norris. The Sun is a safer bet.
174)Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
175)Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know, except, inexplicably, for the definition of mercy.
176)Chuck Norris has a red Swingline stapler. The last person to ask to borrow it was Saddam Hussein.
177)When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
178)Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
179)As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.
180)Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".
181)Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
182)Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bull riding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
183)Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
184)Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
185)Chuck Norris uses Tabasco sauce instead of Visine.
186)Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
187)Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.
188)Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
189)A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
190)Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
191)Science has proved that the universe is expanding. It's running away from Chuck Norris.
192)A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.
193)Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.
194)There are no such things as tornadoes. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
195)Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.
196)Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.
197)The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.
198)Chuck Norris was the original sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel. He declined the climbing gear and harnesses, citing that only "pussy Vin Diesel fans" use safety devices.
199)Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Fillet of Child" sandwich.
200)TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.
201)Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
202)A popular theory states that Chuck Norris was not born, but government-issued.
203)In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.
204)Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
205)One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist, and swiftly roundhouse kicked the entire camp into extinction. Except for 4 kids that were out on the lake. Being the only witnesses, Chuck Norris named them Metallica, and taught them to play HIS way.
206)Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
207)The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.
208)When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
209)Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
210)Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.
211)Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Forty-seven times.
212)In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.
213)Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.
214)When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.
215)Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.
216)Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.
217)Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.
218)For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.
219)Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.
220)During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
221)Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.
222)Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.
223)Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
224)Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
225)Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whiskey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.
226)Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
227)Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
228)People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
229)Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.
230)Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks do not travel at the speed of sound, rather sound travels at the speed of Norris.
231)Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.
232)Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands. He then proceeds to outrun the blast.
233)When Chuck Norris found this page while surfing the internet, he round house kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly. Including this one.
234)On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.
235)The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.
236)In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a flotation device.
237)If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare.
238) "Chuck Norris" is not only a noun. In fact, it is recognized as a functioning clause in virtually all categories of the English Language.
239)Chuck Norris's roundhouse kicks are powered by love. Every time he connects with a roundhouse there is slightly less love in the universe.
240)Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
241)The deepest level of Hell is an eternal karate match with Chuck Norris.
242)Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan. Despite the victory, Chuck still kicked both their asses for the hell of it.
243)Chuck Norris thinks of the Laws of Physics as friendly suggestions.
244)Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre 500. On a bad day.
245)The grass is always greener on the other side. Unless it's Chuck Norris's grass, in which case it's permanently stained red and wet with tears.
246)Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
247)Chuck Norris got stabbed with a hunting knife in a dark alley one night. After five days of painstaking work by every doctor in the city, sadly, the knife eventually bled to death.
248)Chuck Norris suffered a heart attack once. The heart lost.
249)After Chuck Norris vacationed in the Virgin Islands, they had to be renamed to "The Islands".
250)Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
251)Chuck Norris wins at Connect 4 in 6 turns or less every time.
252)Chuck Norris has only been wrong once. That was when he thought himself incorrect.
253)Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him.
254)If Chuck Norris gets in a car crash, the airbags always deploy, in a desperate attempt to save the car from total destruction.
255)The Guinness Book of World records is, technically speaking, a list of second-bests.
256)Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
257)Chuck Norris can get in a bucket and lift it up with himself in it.
258)Chuck Norris HAS seen a man eat his own head. So he has seen everything.
259)Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
260)Chuck Norris cooks his Minute Rice in 30 seconds flat.
261)Chuck Norris stands faster than you can run.
262)Chuck Norris's belly button is actually a grounded power outlet.
263)Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
264)Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
265)Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of a midsummer rain.

In case of fire

1)Run around in circles 2)scream 3)exit the building


  • User ID: #597194
  • Username: F1g_N3wton
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